Difficult conversations & conflict are part of your day-to-day reality as a manager, whether it's the underperforming employee you need to motivate, the service provider you need to fire, or the intern whose BO is so bad it's making eyes water. You will not only find yourself on the giving end of these conversations, but also on the getting end. Employees may need you to mediate conflicts with other employees, higher-ups may come down on your team for being behind schedule, or another manager may dislike your approach to a joint project.
Also, arguments! They happen.
Difficult conversations are my party trick. I've had some doozies over the years, and knowing how to keep things productive has really served me well. There's definitely an art to it, but I'm here to tell you that not only can you get through it, but you can actually thrive on the other side. I'll give you a few tips and then hit you with the secret sauce at the end of the post.
Before a difficult conversation:
Know your conflict style. Our bodies interpret difficult conversations as conflict, so even if you're not in an actual argument, these situations call for some serious self-awareness. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model Instrument is quick and easy to understand. If you're not sure which style you naturally use, here's a simple self-assessment you can take.
Make sure all parties are calm leading up to the conversation. This can be tricky because some people need to address things immediately and other people need a few moments away to process before they can engage in a healthy way. Just try to balance what each side needs.
Game out your strategy. Have your key points outlined beforehand so you can refer back to them. We get flustered easily in emotionally difficult situations, so a few simple notes can help you feel more assured that you won't forget a key point.
Roll play with a colleague. I've never done a roll play that didn't feel stupid. I've also never done a roll play that wasn't helpful.
During a difficult conversation:
Stay on topic. Don’t get sidetracked, particularly by emotional comments. If the other person veers off on a tangent, try telling them you are open to discussing this second issue at another time, but would like to stick with this one for now.
Remember to breathe. Breathe on your way into the room. Take three seconds to breathe before you respond to comments. Take calm, measured breaths while the other person is talking. Just, breathe, breathe, breathe. You want to remind your body that you're not under physical attack so you avoid fight-flight-or-freeze and your body doesn't produce as much of the stress hormone cortisol (check out this for more info on how your body reacts during arguments).
Check your body language and tone of voice. Experts estimate that 60-90% of communication is non-verbal. The biggest factor is your body language (facial expressions, posture, gestures), followed by your tone of voice, and last of all is the actual words you say. So try to keep a relaxed posture (breathing will help with this), keep your face neutral, and keep your voice steady and low.
If the conversation happens without any prior warning, you'll probably feel like you're being attacked. Try to remember that the other person may not be aware how they are coming across. Handle things with a healthy dose of grace and patience, and you'll be grateful you stayed professional. Outright arguing never helped anyone get that promotion.
So now that we're through all that, what's the secret sauce?
Love.
The single most important thing you can do to thrive during and after a difficult conversation is to approach the situation with large dose of LOVE. I don't care that it sounds hokey. You need to approach it with love for the company or cause you have in common, with love for each other (even if you can't stand the person and it's only for the fact that they're a fellow living, breathing being), and with love for the job you're both doing. If they can feel that you love them, the hardest part of the conversation is over. You will be able to say what you need (even if it stings) and the other person will be more receptive. They'll be less likely to hate you (which for me, is the worst part of these conversations) and more likely to trust you as their manager. Not only will you get through the nasty task you're faced with, but you'll actually gain ground.
I'm speaking from experience here. One of the most rewarding experiences of my career was firing someone. The departing employee knew that not only was I doing this because it was best for the company, I was doing it because it was best for him. We walked away friends and he actually thanked me. Another time, I really did have to talk to an intern about his BO. Love was the trick in both situations. I know this post sounds like a Beatles song, but I'm telling you, it's the truth.
For some great reading on love as a leadership principle, check out the books Love Leadership by John Hope Bryant and Love Is Just Damn Good Business by Steve Farber.
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