I recently had a chat with someone who had never heard of imposter syndrome. And I was jealous, because how blissful would life be if I was oblivious to imposter syndrome and all the ways it impacts me! I talk about imposter syndrome all the time with my clients. And because I've always got an eye out for the right full-time position, I confront my imposter syndrome every time I read a job description and wonder whether I'm qualified.
Two weeks ago, I was passed over for a civil service position I desperately wanted, and it's doing a number on my brain. After each round of interviews, I left feeling like a big fat fake who didn't deserve to be in the running. I didn't have experience in one specific, key area, but I felt my other skills and knowledge made up for it in competitive, comparable ways. And for the most part, the interviewers apparently agreed with that assessment, because I'd somehow advance to the next round despite my lack of experience in this one key thing. I have never prepped for interviews as hard as I prepped for these, but I would still walk out of the building feeling like I hadn't quite put my best foot forward. I'd replay the questions and responses in my head and mull over what would have been a better response. And every few weeks, there would be another phone call to invite me to the next step in the process.
Throughout this entire experience, my emotions had been on an exhausting, perpetual roller coaster. Get a call to advance? Hopes got up. Leave an interview? Felt like a failure. Get the next call? Light at the end of the tunnel. Walk out of a building after a meeting with a high-ranking official? Two inches tall.
I was one of two final candidates, and in the end, the candidate who got the job had previous experience in that one key area I didn't. I got the rejection call at 6pm the day before Thanksgiving. The hiring manager was incredibly kind (like, Canadian-level polite and apologetic). She tried to soften the blow with compliments about how impressed the whole team had been with me, my skills, and my professionalism. She said things like "there are such great things in store for you with a résumé as competitive as yours." But I still had to face my family the next day at Thanksgiving dinner and answer their questions about a job they were excited about on my behalf.
Here's one of the frustrating things about being a job applicant: if you're telling me I didn't get a job, there's no compliment you can give me that doesn't make me feel worse. Please just give me a straightforward "no." Over the course of my career, I've gotten about five phone calls that went like this: "Sarah, you are so fantastic, so professional, so impressive, so well-qualified! But we went another direction." These platitudes aren't falling on deaf ears - oh no. They are falling on ears that re-interpret your statement inside my brain as "Sarah, you aren't good enough." I know hiring managers are trying to be kind, but it's a gut punch with a side of compliments, and the only thing my brain registers is the gut punch.
And thus my imposter syndrome grows. My irrational brain tells me I'm unqualified, unimpressive, unskilled, not competitive, not worthy, not capable. Logically, I know these things aren't true, and that I'm simply not the right candidate for that particular role. But unfortunately for me, my irrational brain and emotions have a hard time taking the punch and getting back up.
So I'm here writing about this personal and embarrassing process because it helps me purge the dysfunctional thoughts and get rid of the shame I feel. My rational brain knows I'm qualified, competent, professional, capable, impressive, adaptable, and competitive. My rational brain reminds me I have grit, resilience, and potential, even while my irrational brain tells me things that are mean, hurtful, and destructive.
When I was in the initial stages of recovery from my depression and eating disorder, I used a narrative/dialogical therapy technique called personification to identify and name my dysfunctional thoughts in an effort to separate them from my identity (read more here and here). Your eating disorder becomes Ed, an abusive partner who needs to be divorced. Ms. Perfectionism is the middle school frenemy you need to unfriend on social media, and the Should Monster is someone you learn to ignore because all she does is hurtle irrelevant expectations in your face. My depression is the Hole - a sentient, inescapable grey tunnel I perpetually free-fall down as my skin and bones turn brittle and it tells me I'm a failure.
Now I'm adding new character: Imposter Bob. He's the entitled jackass in the office who negs women, steals your good ideas, and cheated on his SAT. He's also whispering in my ear the following cruel thoughts:
"You didn't get the job because you're fat and they think you're lazy."
"Your government experience is useless. Who cares if it was competitive."
"They didn't hire you because no one wants to hire you."
"This is what you get for not majoring in stats or econ, because all anyone really wants in a business operations manager is data analytics skills."
"You need to start over in a new and low-paying career because you don't have the skills needed to succeed in anything else."
As embarrassing as it was to type out those statements, it honestly has helped. Imposter Bob is really mean, and seeing his words written down somewhere outside my brain has clarified for me just how untrue those things are.
My fatness has nothing to do with how hard I work. In fact, I'm a workhorse, and I know it. I refuse to let my fatness be a source of shame.
My government experience remains competitive and useful.
They didn't hire me because I wasn't the right person for that particular job. Someone else was a better fit, and somewhere else, I'll be the better fit. Just gotta keep looking.
Stats and econ are great majors, but data analytics is absolutely not the only thing a business operations manager needs to be successful.
I am not starting over, even if I change industries or career functions. I am strategically positioning myself for growth further down the line. I have the skills of a generalist, so I can succeed at a long list of things.
So take that, Imposter Bob. You are a creeping, pernicious weed that I will be suffocating out of my brain any time you try to take root. And in the meantime, I'll be watching YouTube videos of kids repeating affirmations at the top of their little lungs with all their big enthusiasm.
Here are a few things psychologists recommend for coping with imposter syndrome:
Identify what is fact vs. feeling. Cognitive behavioral therapy is great for this. You can find a ton of workbooks online if formal counseling isn't in your budget but you still want a bit of structure to the process.
Write down your accomplishments and refer to them frequently. I call this a brag sheet, and it's also helpful when it comes time for performance evaluations.
Don't compare yourself. This includes comparing your current self to past versions of yourself.
Recognize the imposter syndrome paradox: high-achievers are usually the ones who suffer from imposter syndrome, so if you are afflicted with it, it probably means you're not an imposter.
Talk to people about what you're feeling (which is partly why I'm writing this post). Particularly for extroverts, it helps to talk it through and say aloud the things your brain is telling you. You can't help but recognize they're false because they sound so absurd.
When all else fails, therapy. If your imposter syndrome is persistent, make this step #1 if you can.
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