I mean this wholeheartedly: my worst bosses have been the best. Not because of their leadership style or managerial decisions, but because working for them taught me profound lessons about my values, my work ethic, how I want to manage, and how I want to be perceived. (Scroll to the end if you want my suggestions on coping with a terrible boss, or you can also check out this post.)
I once found myself on a small team working with a few intensely aggressive personalities. The most aggressive of these coworkers was promoted to be my boss because - from the optics of our executives - he delivered results. Unfortunately, this man was results-oriented to the exclusion of everything else.
Our work environment became hostile within weeks. Ethics, professionalism, and common courtesy meant nothing to our new boss. His sense of entitlement led to profane shouting matches in hallways with his counterparts. He repeatedly boasted about how he was above the rules and encouraged us to act the same way. He undermined the authority of our C-suite personnel and then bragged about it to our team. He hid a fart machine in a shy colleague's work bag so he could embarrass the colleague at strategic moments. He met with VIPs outside our organization and ripped up their paperwork just to make a point. He cussed out receptionists. He had no integrity, and he was a bully.
I soon found myself the target of this man's anger and aggression. Almost every day, there was yelling, swearing, unreasonable demands, slammed doors, and micro-managing. He would point out what he thought my flaws were, then ask me to document those perceived flaws in an email to him to make sure I understood. He liked to carry a collapsible police baton (yes, a weapon) into meetings, slam it onto the floor while I was talking, and then smile if I flinched. He told me that I was "clearly the kind of person who needed friends," that I should feel privileged to be working overtime without pay, and that the retirement lunch I attended for a colleague was a waste of our team's time. He didn't want me collaborating with other teams, despite the fact that cross-functional collaboration was my primary responsibility.
This story has a beautifully ironic ending. At my annual performance review, boss man tried to get me fired. Instead, I got promoted for my ability to demonstrate professionalism, grit, high potential, and resilience in the face of complex toxicity.
Here's where I get to the point and explain what I mean when I say the worst bosses are the best: my terrible boss's behavior was fundamental in shaping me for the better. The lessons I learned from that situation are indelibly written on my brain. I learned that communication and integrity and two of my core leadership principles. I learned why boundaries in the workplace are so important. I learned that I didn't always need to be liked. I learned that - while all of these are important - I value basic humanity over professional competence and ethics over results. I learned that I don't have to tolerate being mistreated. I learned how my body responds to low-grade trauma and how I can cope effectively.
Had I not gone through all that, I wouldn't have been as aware of similar situations once I became a manager. If I hadn't seen firsthand what happens when inappropriate behavior goes unchecked, I wouldn't have felt the necessity of speaking up the next time I saw inappropriate behavior. If I hadn't needed EAP resources to work through the PTSD diagnosis I ended up with, I wouldn't have recognized that one of my direct reports needed some EAP resources to cope with a crisis he was facing. If I hadn't needed HR to get me through a dicey situation, I wouldn't be so profoundly grateful for the role that HR plays in keeping a workplace safe and functional.
It boils down to wisdom and the value of lived experience. I have better coping skills. I am more patient. I am infinitely more confident. I can maintain perspective on what is frustrating and difficult vs what is unacceptable. And to my surprise, I now have a healthy dose of compassion for bullies. I spent a lot of time working through what happened, and I now understand that people who lash out are usually doing so because they are unable to cope with traumas they've experienced. I wouldn't wish a bad boss on anyone, but with a few years to process what happened, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
If you find yourself working for a horrible boss, here's what got me through it.
Rely on people. Don't try to go it alone. Humans are social animals, so you're fighting your body's biology if you try to survive without the help of trusted colleagues, mental health professionals, friends, and family.
Get HR involved if needed. I was hesitant to talk to HR because I didn't want to seem like a problem child. I wish I had spoken up sooner. It might have helped mitigate the toxicity if a third party had coached me on how to handle the situation.
Document what is happening. This is particularly important if you are a minority experiencing discrimination.
Communication, communication, communication. Dysfunctional situations are breeding grounds for misunderstandings, which just exacerbates the dysfunction. Be precise and concise with your word choice. Paraphrase your boss's instructions back to him to make sure you are on the same page. Know which methods of communication your boss prefers.
Develop healthy coping skills. My top suggestions are 1) therapy, which is a great way to cope but also helps with communication skills, and 2) working out, especially something aggressive like boxing to release your frustration.
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